So its been ALMOST a month since I’ve written. I’m really not sure where to start tonight. There has been a lot that has happened but I feel like I’m not sure how to put it all in words. I am still looking for work, living at my aunt and uncles. I am in the process of finding a new place for my stuff because the people who are storing it now, are selling their house. I am thinking a storage unit because then I don’t have to worry about bothering people with it. So far I’ve only visited Wyatt once. I want to visit him more but I’ve been busy most weekends with church stuff, or just not in the mood. It is really hard seeing him. Sometimes its easier to just pretend that he’s just a dream. I’m not sure if dream is the right way of describing it or not. I know that makes me sound so heartless but my heart breaks to be back with him, whenever I think about him.
I have had a couple of interviews but nothing as come out of them yet. I really need a job so I can move on from here. I need to find a healthier, happier atmosphere. I really wish there was someone else I could live with, but there’s not. And I don’t have the money to move into my own place. Even just renting a room seems to be more then I can afford at this point.
I have gone to the beach since my last post. I went with my friend P. I had an awesome time and hopefully P did also. Took some really cool pictures, which is therapeutic for me.
So early on in my blog, I mentioned my friend Dani who I had fallen in love with. We had worked together and the last couple of months before being fired, I had kind of distanced myself from her because she had started dating a guy we worked with. Anyways after being fired I didn’t see or talk to her much. I have seen her twice when going to the hospital to visit my friend N. So on Sunday we are planning on going to lunch and hanging out for awhile. I want to be friends with her and hang out but ever since seeing her the other day and then making plans for Sunday, I can’t get her out of my mind again. I’ve seen some movies where the guy is friends with a girl and falls in love but the girl doesn’t like him in that way. I know its just a movie but I’m sure it happens in real life. I mean obviously its happening to me, so it happens in real life. I feel its a little different in a straight situation because the guy can try to see if the girl likes him. When I’m around Dani, I feel like I have to completely keep a secret from her. As far as I know, she identifies as straight and my fear is that if I said anything, it would ruin our friendship. The other part is that she is young, and if she ever did sway away from being straight, she would need to figure it out herself, not with me pushing it on her. I hate feeling this way though because I think about her every waking moment. Its hard to get to sleep at night because she is right there on the forefront of my mind. It sucks though because you can’t stop these kind of feelings. I don’t even know how to begin to push them down. That wouldn’t be healthy anyway, but at least I would be able to stop thinking about her. I did stop for awhile because I didn’t see her every day at work anymore. Now talking about hanging out, brings it all back out again. I honestly don’t know how to begin to deal with these feelings. I’ve heard people in movies or read about them feeling this way in books. I never really knew it was actually possible until Dani. But its with someone I can’t even have mutual feelings about. My heart feels like it breaks every day. How do you be a friend with someone you are madly in love with, who doesn’t love you back? And why couldn’t I fall in love with someone who loved me back? It just doesn’t seem fair. And I know life isn’t fair, but come on!
Well that seems to be the most of what is going on here, besides dealing with depression and anxiety, and there isn’t really anything to say about that. Though that is probably why I haven’t written much lately.
Love & Peace