All of my stuff is now moved and I am almost done with my apartment. I just have to turn in the keys but the apartment manager was gone today when I was there, so I’m going back tomorrow. Hopefully he will be there. On Friday I move in with my aunt and uncle. I am right now staying at N1&N2’s place. They go to my church and N1 co-pastor’s my church. They are storing my stuff. They were available, along with two other friends to help me move everything yesterday, so I am staying here until Friday.
I am having an extremely hard time with the fact that I have to go to my aunt and uncle’s on Friday. I feel like it will be emotionally unsafe. The closer it comes, the more unsettled I feel about the situation. My stomach is upset from it and tonight I feel like cutting. This is the first time I have really felt like cutting since my whole recent situation has started. This really scares me because, if I am feeling like cutting because of having to move in there, then there is a huge problem. I feel like I don’t have any other choice. I have kind of hinted to a few different people that I really don’t want to move in there and that its stressing me out; but that is all I can do. I really don’t know how to ask anyone else if I can move in with them. I feel like if they know the thought is stressing me out, and they have the ability, they will offer. At this point, I feel like living in my car, would feel safer, at least emotionally.
I just want a job and a place of my own. I hate that I have to depend on people to help me out. I like being independent. Maybe God is trying to show me something, but I really don’t want to be living in a negative environment either. I really need a positive place to lay my head. I’ve been praying about it a lot. My friend M, suggested just asking someone, because they may not know or understand, to what point my stress is. I’m sure they don’t. I haven’t explained it to anyone. I’m not sure why, I just can’t seem to put it into words. I’m afraid of what they will say. Or how they will react, I guess.
I hate when I get to this point of wanting to cut. I usually get a sensation on my arm, where I usually cut. I don’t know how to describe it really. Unless you have been to this point, you probably wouldn’t know what I was talking about. I get this sensation and can picture the razor blade or knife running across my arm. I can picture the warm blood oozing out. I love that part. I love the pain too. It makes me feel real. It takes the pain from the inside and puts it on the outside. It makes things feel more realistic. The thing about this sensation, is that it doesn’t go away until I cut again. I can’t do that right now because I’m living with other people. The frustrating part is when I feel this way and can’t do anything about it.
Well there is nothing I can do about it now…