Unsure…

So this evening, N, a friend from work and I had a lot of interesting conversations on multiple levels. I’m really not sure where to start. They have my brain going in a thousand different directions. I feel I need to write about them before bed or I won’t sleep. One major conversation was about why I don’t think I’m a good person. Other then the beliefs engrained in me as a child, I really, honestly don’t know why I hate myself so much. I am thirty now and I really hope it doesn’t take another thirty years to like myself. I’m so tired of trying to change my beliefs about myself. I really want to see what others see in me. I really would like to be happy with myself and my life. Things like a cluttered house, my job or even the mistakes I have made in life, don’t define me or who I am. I know that in my mind, but why can’t I know that in my heart? Why can’t I figure it out already? I wish God would give me a big eye opener that can start to change my mind. I need to move on from the things my mother told me. I will say there was a difference in my response tonight then what I’ve had in the past. In the past, I would deny being a good person or try to convince the other person of my way. I did that a little tonight but it really stopped me in my tracks. I had to admit, that if I really think about it, I really don’t know why I hate myself so much. Aside from the mother stuff, that is. I think maybe I need to learn to separate that from now. I’m not sure how to straighten that out in my head right now, but its something to think about.

So that was the major conversation but another interaction between N and I, really bothered me more then that conversation. I say interaction because I don’t even remember what the conversation was about. Just what happened during it. For some reason this interaction is really bothering me. I am not able to pinpoint why. This is what happened…

So N and I were going on about something. I don’t remember. We were standing near each other and she reached up to fix her hair or I don’t know what, and I flinched. Her response was, “I’m not gonna hit you.” I’m not sure what bothers me so much about this. One part is the fact that I flinched in the first place. I felt kind of stupid and childish that I would flinch. I know it goes back to the physical abuse I received as a child but I want to be over that by now. Maybe it was the gentle way she said she wasn’t going to hit me. I hate that my subconscious made me flinch because obviously she would never hit me. Maybe it partly bothered me that she noticed I flinched. Its embarrassing that there is still a little child in me, who is fearful. I hate that people can see it in me so easily. I want to be tough and able to hide my feelings. Then on the other hand, I want someone to notice and protect me. I still want that motherly figure to be affectionate. And while I want the affection, I’m terrified of it. When someone does touch me on the shoulder or hug me, I tense up but then hate when they pull away. I hate that my mind contradicts itself so much. Part of my mind tells me I’m to old to get that affection to the point of making things better. Like it would never make up for the fact that I missed out on it as a child. I feel like I could get all the love in the world now but it still wouldn’t make a difference because I didn’t have it as a child. I really feel like I got cheated out of this love and affection. Sometimes I really blame God for it. He could have given me a mother who loved me. Why didn’t He? Why was I not important enough to have a loving mother? People say I wouldn’t be the person I am today. OK but why couldn’t I still be compassionate, loving and accepting of others and still have a loving mom. Why did I have to get the exact opposite of who I am? So my mother taught me who I DON’T want to be, but other people have loving moms and it shows them how to be that way. ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!
Devin

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