Today was kind of a rough day. My back has been bothering me the last few days so I just kind of started off in a pissy mood. I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with people today, but since that’s the majority part of my job, I didn’t have much of a choice. I made it through the day and then the worst part was on my way out the door at work.
So there are a few people, that when we aren’t busy at work I will go talk too. One woman is up a few floors and I had gone to say hi earlier but both times she was kind of busy, so I didn’t stay long. Then I had to go up to her floor to complete a couple of tasks at the end of the day so said hi. Then I was walking out at the end of the day and we happened to meet up in the hall leading out of the building. I said hi to her and she kind of half turned, said hi and kept going. I just felt kind of slighted, because if felt like she didn’t want to talk to me. I’m sure she was just in a hurry to get home and just wanted to get out of there. That is probably reality. The problem is that my beliefs and self-doubts tell me that people don’t really care about me or want to talk to me. My mind tells me that I’m a bother when I go to talk to people. People tell me they are interested and like talking to me but I don’t believe them. I don’t believe anyone could think I’m interesting. And its worse when I’ve had a hard week and bad day. It makes my self doubts a lot more apparent and on the surface.
There is this other girl at work who works in my department. She is a few years older then me but sometimes acts like a 10 year old. For example she will come up to me and if I’m in a conversation with someone, she will just start poking me, or click her pen in my ear, or things like that. I try to ignore these and she eventually stops. Another thing she has done in the past, is when I’m eating lunch or something, she’ll just take some of my candy or cookies, without asking. One time I finally said, “have you ever heard of asking?” Then the last time she did it, She did ask. When people get in my space or think that I’m a nice person so won’t care, it really gets on my nerves. If you want something, just ask. I’ll more then likely give it to you. Anyways I find this girl very annoying a lot of the time, she doesn’t understand boundaries. So my mind is always thinking that other people think of me this way. Even though I don’t overstep these boundaries, I’m afraid people find me annoying. They always tell me they don’t but I don’t believe them. I don’t know how to believe that anyone actually likes spending time with me.
I have asked God to help me love and accept myself recently, but I haven’t seen any changes yet. I know its a process and I have to do some hard work to get there. I’m just tired of doubting myself and hating myself so much. When someone tells me I’m a good person and they like being around me, I want to be able to believe it and feel good about it.
That is all for today…
Love & Peace