Emotionally Drained…but Good!

Holy Wow! What a day! I am so emotionally drained, I wish it was bedtime now! Last night I had so much going on in my head that I stayed up until almost 1am. The last time I looked at the clock, it was 1225am. I went to bed somewhere shortly after but I’m not even sure the exact time. I was in such a bad place, I figured I would get up this morning, take Wyatt out and go back to bed. I really just wanted to sleep most of the day. I had church in the evening and was planning on going to my friend’s house a little before hand. I was going to sleep until I had to get up and get ready for that.

Boy did God have another plan! Wyatt got me up at 830am. “Fine, we’ll go for a walk and come home and go back to bed.” That was my thought and what I told Wyatt. I get up, get dressed, get Wyatt ready and we head out.

Now here is a little backstep. So the Pastor at my church, S is married to Pastor D at another church about 45 mins away on a good day of traffic. My church is in the evening which helps so that D can join S at this church too. So sometimes I go out to D’s church if I want a little bit of a different service or if I happen to be working in the evening and can’t go to my church.

So I’m not even sure how far on the walk I got this morning, before a little voice in my head told me I should go out to church. Now remember I got up at 830am. Church is about 45 mins away and starts at 1030am. Wyatt needs his morning walk and its sunny out so we go our usual morning route through the park, which is about 20-30 mins, depending on how many times he stops to sniff or mark, or whatever. We get back to the house roughly 915am. I really quick eat a Greek yogurt because its quick and has 2x the protein. I am one of those people who HAS to have breakfast in the morning. I get headaches and shaky if I don’t. So I was hoping the yogurt would do. I scarfed that down and got my coffee going. I ran to the bathroom and jumped in the shower, for a quick wash. I get out, get ready, grab my coffee and go. As I walk to my car, I kick myself for not getting gas last night. I probably could have made it but I didn’t want to push it. I don’t recall the time of leaving the house but it was 0957 when I pulled out of the gas station.

So I didn’t mention above, but shortly after I had the thought to go to church, I texted S to tell her I would be coming to church this morning. Now I’m not sure if I’m going to be on time and I’m really wishing I hadn’t texted S. I am thinking, I should have just stayed home in bed. I am feeling very rushed at this point and its my day off. I should be relaxing. I’m thinking how do I know I’m supposed to go to church when now I just want to stay home. Why didn’t I just follow my original plan? But I told S I was coming, and so I feel I better go.

I was so worried I was going to be late. When I walk into a group of people late, I feel extreme anxiety. I don’t like people to notice me that obvious and I always try very hard to avoid it. Thankfully, Traffic was great! I may have gone a little faster on the freeway than the posted speed limit, but I had to get to church. I arrived about 5 mins before the service started. The only way I can explain that, is by God’s power. It takes me 25 min to get work on a good day, and this is way past my work. 

So we go in and the service starts. Pastor D preaches a sermon today that I was SO meant to hear. D compared Joshua and Jesus from the Bible. He talked about how Joshua was in the wilderness for 40 years and Jesus for 40 days and nights. He then compared this to our lives when we are in a spiritual and emotional wilderness. I’m not even going to try to explain it because it wouldn’t compare to how he spoke it. I cried through the whole sermon. The way he spoke it, spoke to how I was feeling last night.  I feel like I am in a spiritual wilderness right now. I have to look for the good things that come my way because they may be hard to see but they are there if I take the time to notice them. Some day I will get out of this wilderness to the promised land. God will show me where to go when I need to and when I need to stop. I just need to listen to Him and He will lead me. I will get out of this. I just need to give it time. And not my time but GOD’s time.

So after church I was talking to D & S, and telling them what had been going on this past week. I told them about the memories. D suggested that maybe I was being allowed to see these memories now because I have supportive people in my life. Before I didn’t have very many supportive people. And those that I though were, weren’t always. It has been truly amazing! When I really look at what God has done for me, I still can’t believe it. Both of these churches are so full of love and acceptance, and its astonishing. I don’t believe I deserve all this love they give me, but for some reason they do. And they show it to me on a regular basis. I could never describe into words what these people mean to me; and what God is showing me through these people.

Now to get some sleep and I should be good!

Love & Peace

Devin

 

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