Unsure…

So I’m indecisive today… My phone is not charging correctly and I need to get a new one soon before this one hits the dust. I’m trying to work on a budget and putting a new phone into the budget. I’ve been working with a friend on a budget, so was talking to her today. The phones that I could get with the company I’m with (that I would want) is a smartphone for a $100 or a flip phone for $35. I really don’t want to go backwards to a flip phone, but I’m afraid that with a smartphone, I would be tempted to use the internet. I don’t want to be one of those people who are always on a device. I want to remember to look at the world around me. They don’t have another version of the phone I have, so its only these two options. When I have to make decisions like this, it really stresses me out and I go back and forth on it a lot.

I was also a little frustrated because when I was talking to my friend, she said that I would need to work some overtime at my job in order to afford a new phone. What she and most people don’t understand, and I didn’t think to tell her this, is that working 40 hours a week is already exhausting to me. I don’t know that I could handle overtime. I really need my two days off a week in order to survive my sanity. I am irritated with the fact that it seems to be my two choices are; 1) have time to yourself and no money, or 2) have money and no time to yourself. It doesn’t seem fair. I know it wouldn’t have to be a long term thing but I don’t want to burn myself out, which is what would end up happening.

I have only been at this job for 4 months. My last job I had was on-call 24/7. I didn’t get any days off unless I specifically requested it. There were a lot of times where I didn’t get the hours that I needed but still felt like I couldn’t do anything because I was attached to a pager and had to be within an hour of the office. This job was a high stress level job with a very negative atmosphere. Even though I didn’t always work EVERY day or only worked a few hours here and there; I got burned out from it. I worked there for two years. Now with my new job, I am really trying to learn how to take care of myself. My other thing is that if I start giving in and working over time, they will expect that from me. They need to know that I am not available all the time, and at this point, I don’t think I’m willing to give in to that. Yes, I can be very stubborn. I also have a dog, who I already feel has been neglected lately because even on my days off, I’ve been busy. He needs to see me some of the time. I am trying to figure out how to stay home more on my days off as it is, and not be running around all the time. Its a work in process right now.

I’ve had other people tell me too how they’ve worked long hours overtime in their life and suggest that I should do it. I’m not like them and can’t handle that. I know that sounds like I am lazy but it probably has more to do with my low energy level (which I’ve always had) and the depression I deal with on a daily basis. I am not one of those people who can or want to run myself ragged. I need time to myself.

I am tired of letting these type of decisions stress me out so much. Its so hard to just decide and then let it go.

Love & Peace

Devin

 

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