So I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about this on here and then decided, it would be OK since most of you don’t really know who I am anyway. The people who do know me who will read this probably already know the situation as I’ve talked to those couple of people already about it. So what the hell…
So I fell in love, and I hate myself for it. This is where I tell you that I’m bisexual. The woman I ended up falling in love with is straight. I’ll call her Dani. She is a beautiful woman who is very pleasant and amazing to be around. When I first met her, we became fast friends. We had a lot in common and had a lot of fun together. I never told her I liked her because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. We hung out more and more and as we got to know each other, I fell for her. I fell hard for her. I still couldn’t tell her how I really felt. She is an amazing friend and I didn’t want to ruin that.
Then one day she told me that her and this other guy we hung out with were dating. I had already started to suspect it, and she confirmed it. I told her I was happy for her, and I really am; its just really hard to see them together. When its just the three of us, I feel like the third wheel. I am really trying to be normal but its hard. I feel like since this happened I have been different and I don’t want to be different. I want it to be like it was but its not and I don’t know how to change that. I don’t think I can. The worst part is that she is my friend, and I can’t even talk to her about it. That’s the hardest part of all.
I hate myself for loving Dani. How could I let myself fall in love with someone who I don’t even have a chance with? Why couldn’t I fall in love with someone who could love me back? When will I find that special someone who will love me back? Someone who actually does love me who isn’t abusive in any way? Someone who is a person of God? Someone where we can grow together in God? I’m trying to be patient that God has someone for me and will bring them to me, but I’m getting impatient. I really don’t know if I’m ready for that but God does. I’m not sure what else I need to do to be ready. I feel like I’m 30, and if I plan to have children some day, I need to get started. And maybe none of that is in the cards for me, but why not???
I’m not really sure how to end those thoughts above right now. Its so complicated, so I’m just going to end it there.
Love & Peace