How I Thought Life Would Be

I think we as children, have a preconceived idea of what life will be. I know I did. I was one of the ones who thought I would grow up, go to college and get a career, find a handsome man, get married and have a house full of children. I was one of the ones who pictured the white picket fence. There would be pets, and lots of them. I thought my children would be happy and grow up to be smart and beautiful, and change the world. I thought I would change the world. I thought life would be easy and it would have a happy ending.

Then I became an adult. I tried college three times before finally finishing it the third time. I graduated with my associates in Criminal Justice. Now though I’m not even working in the field I graduated in and have student loans up the wazoo. I am 30 and single. I’ve never been married and never had children. I have a dog, Wyatt, whom I love to death, and is like a child in many ways. I live in an apartment in a not so good part of town. I do (now) have a full time job which I’m loving so far and will hopefully be able to save up and move in the future.

I am just now, at 30 trying to figure out who I am. I am trying to find out what I like and don’t like. I am trying to deal with abusive childhood memories and abusive relationships as an adult. I am no where close, to what I thought I would be, at this age in my life. Maybe though that’s better. Maybe I need to say good bye to that picket fence idea, and be OK with who I am today. Maybe I am a better person for not jumping into what I thought life should be like. For waiting to find out what God wants for me. I’m still working on learning that too. Maybe in the long run I will be a happier person for trying to figure these other things out first. Maybe I just need to slow down and let life happen. Let God take control and show me where to go. I’m working on it, but its a slow process. I’m not always sure what that means and can only hope that He will show me. I am slowly getting more positive and uplifting people in my life. I am slowly trying to find the things in my life to be happy about. A lot of people say its a choice to be happy, and I believe it is, to an extent. When you’ve been living one way your whole life though, its not necessarily a sudden choice. It is something that takes awhile and can cause you to fall many times before you get it right. Sometimes it feels like taking three steps forward and two steps back. Its not a matter of what happens when you fall but a matter of getting back up again after you fall. I’m not sure who said that but its something that I am slowly learning.

So while my dreams may not have ended up the way I thought they would. I am slowly coming to the realization, that its OK. Life is going to be OK. And I am going to be OK. I just have to be OK with it.

Love & Peace



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